Gnaw

Some days,

my mouth forms around the words “I love you”

and nothing comes out

until my second cup of coffee

Some days,

you ask too much of me

Some days,

I need taking the lead

to exist beyond the bedroom

Most days

my mouth explodes with emotion

from the moment I open my eyes

Most days,

I can move mountains if you ask me

Most days,

I am more than content to give you the reins,

while leading the cart myself

But those other days,

I don’t know how to alert you

to my need for a firm hand

for you to take initiative

for something else

to tell you that I love you, but I am not entirely sure I like you right now

Will those days become more frequent

the longer we share a bed?

a life?

obligations?

Or will those days

the ones where you hung the moon in honor of me

the ones where I miss you even though I am only at work

and am bound to see you in a matter of time

Will those days,

become the norm?

How do I keep that “do no wrong” halo above your head

the red out of my vision?

How do we continue to find new ways to fuck

and laugh

and talk

and sing

while life continues to try and shut us up

down

away?

Will you still look at me with amazement

when I brush my hair behind my ear and smile

while telling you a story?

If you have heard all of my stories?

Will you still put your hand

gently on my neck while I drive

guiding me as I guide us down the road of life

my hand on your knee

our final destination

unknown.

Will you still want to marry me,

When we have been married for most of our lives?

Will our marriage

mean as much

now that (most of) society agrees it is a marriage after all?

How do two people, make a life

when there are more people

on the sidelines

rooting against them

and creating their own teams

fighting over who gets picked last

Will there ever be enough

of you

of us

of time

of space

to share all of the things that we want to share with all of the people that deserve to be shared with

How

How do you do it?

How do you make a relationship work

when it feels like WORK

when it isn’t all laughs

when the bad things come and I can’t say the right words

because my tongue is nailed to the roof of my mouth with stubborn rage

and the tears are acid on my cheeks

and your stare is 100 kinds of painful

Do you hold on

to that morning where we were the only ones there

and we had just finished making love

our sheets damp and tangled

the dogs staring up, waiting for their space to be returned

and we laugh at something silly

and we created stories for things that never happened

and people that have never existed

and everything. just, everything, is perfect.

in that moment

Is that what gets us through those other times?

Those times are hard

How do we remain separate, autonomous individuals,

when we have entwined our lives

and security

in each other?

When not seeing you for an evening confounds me?

How can I use imagery in this instance

so you can better understand my gnawing fears

little beavers of self doubt

there I did it.

I am never sure what tomorrow will look like

only that you will be there

next to me

holding the back of my neck

your fingers

electric